Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
