Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
