When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just had sex on a roof
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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