It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
