I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
