I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
