sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Randomize
