dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
