the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
