I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
