I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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