The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
