No stitches, just platelets and will power
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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