Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
