So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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