I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I can text with my tongue
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
