I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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