you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
