I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
