There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
