my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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