I will die if light touches me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
