in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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