im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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