two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
