she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
