$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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