I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
