My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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