You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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