last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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