that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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