11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
