Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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