I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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