Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
