I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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