just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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