Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
