bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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