I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
