Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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