OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
