ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
