I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
