I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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