I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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