My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
