Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
