I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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