Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
