even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
