I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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